Portugal Trip Day 2: Insecurity, Fear, & Freedom
Day two of our trip was getting Jon to his workshop! I knew today was going to be the first of a few that I had to spend alone (in a foreign place). I was somewhat excited but also unsure if I was going to like it or not honestly. I was a little worried I was going to be uncomfortable roaming around alone.
We went and picked up some quick breakfast and coffee and started walking in the direction of his workshop location. I loved walking through the stone paved streets and admiring the homes in this quiet fisherman's village. I started to day dream about leaving for another country and living a simple quite life in a place that allows space for health, community, and slowing down for the important things in life to make this crazy journey more enjoyable.
We got to the side of this mountain that has a hiking trail, Ladeira do Sítio, that is a path of stone paved steps winding up the mountain. This trail leads you to a wooden swing over looking the ocean on the cliff side and ultimately takes you to the city of Sitio on the top of this cliff, above the little fisherman's village we were staying in. We parted ways here because he was running late and I definitely couldn't rush up these stairs the way he could as embarrassing as it is to admit. I didn't want to make him later than he already was and knew I would be parting ways with him anyway so decided to just be honest and tell him I needed to take my time and he needed to go. I was feeling pretty insecure about this but was also feeling proud of myself for speaking up instead of pushing myself (after those panic attack things) to an unknown point of shut down or something. I really wasn't sure what to expect with my body after that or if I would continue to experience those or if I should expect to.
Watching him walk away initially felt sad, and then I felt an odd sense of relief, not because I didn't want to be around him but I noticed that I felt less pressure to perform or act a certain way. For once it felt like I could just go at my pace, do what I want to do, and I didn't really have to think about others. That still sounds so selfish to me but I started to notice how on guard and on edge I can typically be when around others. It's like I have to present a specific way and not really be my true self. I didn't have to worry about kids wanting something or if he needed something or if he would rather be doing something else but I could just kind of exist and take all the time I wanted to do whatever I wanted. It could be boring, weird, quiet, random, wild, soft, vulnerable, loud, and free and it wouldn't matter because the only person it all had to be ok with was me.
This was a very freeing experience. I walked up the hill, pausing where I needed to. Once I got to the top, I found a beautiful cathedral that I thought would be a cool activity to do with Jonathan but I admired it from the outside. I had waves of feeling on edge and fearful exploring in a new way and in a new place a female on her own. I did pick up on a general anxiousness and fear of men which will be interesting to process and share some more on at another time. I walked around the church and found a road that led to the lighthouse on this big cliff overlooking the ocean. Another activity I thought would be cool to check out with Jonathan. I stood at the top of this hill and watched the ocean for awhile before deciding to hike down to this sea cave that had eroded or collapsed from above.
